It does NOT matter what others think of your Chronic Pain!
Each time you describe to someone else how bad a certain symptom feels, you are reminding your brain how it feels. And by doing so, you are making that connection stronger, making it much easier for your mind and body to reproduce that pain! Other people’s reactions will only ‘validate’ the perceived danger that your pain is alerting you to - and by validating it, you are keeping the pain alive!
There are countless articles out there, written by chronic pain sufferers to express their frustration at the fact that other people don’t seem to get it. Some chronic pain symptoms can be really hard to describe, especially if your symptoms have been classed as an ‘invisible illness’.. Indeed, it is very difficult to explain to someone else how you may be feeling when you’ve got fibromyalgia or another invisible illness, and even more difficult to elicit the sympathy that you may have been expecting. But here’s the problem - the more concerned and frustrated you are with how much others understand your pain, the worse off you’re going to be! Here’s to another couple of painful TMS truths!
We are all living a different reality
First things first. Nobody can perfectly understand you. Those of you who may have gone through something similar may be able to sympathise better; the kindest of people will be willing to help and hear you out, but in the end, we must acknowledge that nobody can perfectly understand our own personal reality. Even someone who suffers from the same condition as yourself is likely to be viewing things from a slightly different angle to yours, as there are multiple factors that make up our reality; past experiences, interpersonal relationships, the environment, present stressors, our own personality - we are all living our own unique reality and we can never expect anyone else to understand us perfectly.
So if you’re feeling frustrated or resentful at a partner or friend for downplaying your chronic pain, take a moment to accept this idea. Practise some forgiveness. Remember that you also cannot perfectly understand this person’s reality. These feelings will do nothing to help you feel better, they do not serve any beneficial purpose. Now, on to the next step.
TMS pain - your danger alert
I am going to bring up a very painful subject here, one which has sparked anger in many a pain sufferer. Let’s start from the very beginning. Pain is there to alert you to danger. That is the very purpose of pain. Whether it’s an injury, an inflamed appendix, or chronic pain, the pain is there to attract your attention, so that you can do something to fix a situation. If you’re injured, pain is there to stop you from using your body until it recovers, if you’ve got an appendix problem, pain is there to save you from death (by rushing you to the hospital for surgery), and if you’ve got chronic pain… it’s still there to tell you something. To understand this better, I encourage you to read my article about Acute vs Chronic pain.
The Danger behind TMS Pain
The problem with TMS pain is that the danger we are being alerted to is not physical, or life threatening. In most cases it’s an ‘emotional’ danger; we feel threatened, burnt out, stressed, or anxious, and when pain first makes its appearance, it is this kind of turmoil that it wants to alert us to. In some cases, pain succeeds in stopping us from doing the very thing that is generating this inner turmoil - for example, if an athlete has been constantly stressed about his less-than optimal performance, he might get pain that will stop him from continuing that activity - because to the brain, that activity has become ‘dangerous’, i.e. a source of anxiety.
What happens then? In some cases, an individual will recover from TMS easily, once the stressor is removed from his or her life. Let’s say the athlete makes peace with the fact that he cannot practise his sport anymore (which is highly unlikely) - in that case, the pain may go away, only to return when he restarts 4 months later (in which case the athlete will believe that he has re-injured himself). Let’s say back pain has ‘managed’ to get someone to get out of a job or situation he or she really hated OR, the situation simply changed for the better. In this case, TMS pain may never return.
But let’s say that the individual has become really worried about his chronic pain symptoms. Let’s imagine the sufferer will keep getting upset about the pain, over and over again, that he will be constantly monitoring for progress, constantly protecting the area and wondering when it will all be over. In this case, pain has got the suffer’s full attention big time. And once it has consumed our attention, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it, because we are constantly validating it!
Better not to get sympathy, than to get it!
So what does all this have to do with other people? Well, now let’s imagine that pain not only has got your full attention, but that others are also somehow involved with it. This can go two ways - you either get sympathy, or you don’t. If you don’t, you will feel hurt, resentful and angry - all of these are emotions that won’t help with overcoming pain at all, because they are the same emotions that fuel chronic pain.
But if you do get sympathy, this will also work against you. Now, the pain has not only got your full attention, but it’s also got other people in the picture. Other people will be constantly asking you how you’re doing, offering to help you with activities that your pain is keeping you from doing (hence making it easier for you to keep avoiding these activities). You will be opening up to these people, and each time you open up you will be strengthening those neural connections that are keeping the pain alive. Each time you describe to someone else how bad a certain symptom feels, you are reminding your brain how it feels. And by doing so, you are making that connection stronger, making it much easier for your mind and body to reproduce that pain! Other people’s reactions will only ‘validate’ the perceived danger that your pain is alerting you to - and by validating it, you are keeping the pain alive!
Take a couple of moments to digest this. I know it sounds harsh. But if you’re tackling your pain as TMS, the first thing you’ve got to do is to STOP sharing your pain with other people. Even if they sympathise, even if they offer their help, try to keep the pain to yourself as much as possible. Just tell them it’s ‘the same’ or ‘slightly better’ but do not expand on it. DO NOT make it the topic of the day. This will be really hard in the beginning, but it will help you remove some of the attention overload that has been focused at your pain. Gradually, you yourself will also start giving the pain much less importance. And that’s exactly when miracles may start to happen.